Are You Dealing With Someone Difficult? Try Leaving Out the "You" Part

Everybody knows one: an unpersonable person who's standing between you and a raise or a promotion, a dolt who keeps you from doing a good job or getting a shot at a project; an egomaniac who has something you want but isn't inclined to let you have it, even though it's in his own interest. The sort of person who'll cut off your nose to spite his face.

"They spend their time beating down your ego," said Noelle C. Nelson. An audience of more than 200 nodded in understanding at the first in a series of professional development seminars sponsored by the Television Academy, hosted by CBS on Sound Stage 20 at Radford Studios. Everyone there, it seemed, knew someone they just couldn't stand -- but had to.

"It doesn't have to be that way," said Nelson, an author and consultant with a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. "There are crafts. There are skills. There are techniques in dealing with difficult people." Then she revealed a few, calling volunteers from an audience of Academy members that ranged from sound mixers and designers to performers. They all did some impromptu role-playing while Nelson coached them through the process.

Mimi Gramatky, Conrad Bachmann, Noelle Nelson, Kay Sumner and Teri Koenig

Step One: "Set aside your own ego," said Nelson. "You do not buck a difficult person's ego ... you need to work with it." It's not easy, she added. It takes practice to sit through a rant with understanding and empathy, "mirroring" another's body language while listening closely for any opening to common ground.

She explained technical terms such as "pacing" and "leading," as one would a horse, to steer a conversation where you want it to go; and positive coversational techniques such as using "and" where one would normally use "but." Pairs of volunteers played played a version of "good cop/bad cop" to demonstrate how the techniques work.

Some even got it the first time. The process is especially difficult because knowing that you're right doesn't help one bit, Nelson said. But then what's more important: being right or getting
what you want?

"Is it annoying to have to do this? Yes. Does it take a lot of effort? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes," Nelson said. "These are not skills for lightweights, but I guarantee you they absolutely work."

The discussion was produced by Mimi Gramatky and Teri Koenig, and Conrad Bachmann, chair of the activities committee, thanked CBS for hosting the group. Kay Sumner is vice-chair for professional development. Robert O'Donnell is director of activities.

"It was helpful. It was fun, that's for sure. The role-playing was fun," said Del Zamora. "I look forward to more events like this."